Chick Lit et al (Book Reviews)

I recently read Colleen Hoover’s It Ends With Us. It’s a story about a woman who grew up with an abusive father. He dies, leaves her an inheritance, she opens a florists shop, and she meets a man ‘with issues’, marries him, he’s abusive, and she has to make a decision. That’s the gist.

I read the book because it was published several years ago, was featured on ‘Book Tok,” and became a best seller. In fact, all of Hoover’s books are now best sellers, partially because of BookTok and word of mouth.

I was out and picked up a student newspaper where a student reviewer gave the book a ‘Don’t bother to read’ review. She felt it wasn’t realistic. sShe says she read the book in four hours. Yes, the antagonist is a medical student with a brilliant career ahead of him. There are lots of books about abusers who are handsome and have good jobs and women who make excuses for the guy they love. But the fact that she couldn’t put the book down said a lot to me.

If you read a several hundred page book in four hours, it’s a compelling read—realistic or not. I’ve started to read so many books, gotten 20 pages in, and decided either the book is going nowhere, or it’s a waste of time. I’ve read two of Susan Choi’s books, and boy, she uses a lot of words to tell a story—whether believable or not. I don’t like books that I have to read a sentence two or three times to figure out what the writer is saying—but for many, that’s ‘literary fiction’. Like Murakani’s “Wind Up Bird Chronicle’. Did it really have to be that many words with that many tangents?

Nobody wants to read a book about the girls who allowed themselves to be picked up in a bar, or linked up with a friend-of-a-friend, who left them pregnant, and the girl and kid have to struggle. Our own lives have enough angst.

Last year, I reviewed “Inappropriate Men“, by Stacey Ballis (https://wordpress.com/post/disparateinterests.wordpress.com/4998). I’m sure you can still get it on Amazon. The main character, who describes herself as a fat girl, has a torrid affair with her father’s business partner who she knows won’t leave his wife, then a series of other inappropriate men who aren’t suitable long term partners for other reasons. I found this funny and accurate. I’m sure many women have dated men and at some point realized the relationship was going nowhere, they really weren’t that attracted to the guy, or were settling because they wanted to be married.

I picked up “One to Watch” by Kate Stayman-London partly because of the back cover blurb; Bea is a large size fashion blogger with a following, who is asked to be on a show based on The Bachelor. She’d hesitant for good reason, and of course, most of the men are dogs. If you live in the USA and haven’t seen The Bachelor, you’re living in a cave. All the girls they pick are always a size 6 or smaller, long haired, none wear glasses, and all are fashion forward. The men are all good looking and shallow. In any case, this book does have a happy ending, and it also addresses the issues most of us face when looking for a partner. I’d give this book to teenage girls.

Where Do Writers Get Real Dialogue?

Many people have asked me, after they’ve read what I’ve written, if something really happened. I am not writing science fiction. My imagination is really not that great. I am drawing from experiences I’ve had or what people have told me. Believe me, men have plenty to say about sex, especially young men.

All these guys think they are so experienced because they’ve had orgasms. Laughable, right? It’s true, it’s as if we are living on different planets. I am looking for an emotional connection. They are looking for a nurse ,a purse, a cook, a housekeeper, and it’s really hard to determine if they want anything beyond that and a consistent, non-complaining lay. They are all mystified when a woman leaves.

So…. this guy wants a relationship with me based on photos I’ve posted. He identifies as Catholic, and I tell him it will not work out, I don’t want to be with a Christian man. He actually responded that he doesn’t care what I believe!

Huh? let me try again: I do not want to give sexual pleasure to a man who doesn’t care what I believe and who works against my best interests by supporting belief systems and institutions who want to suppress me. “I don’t want to give a blow job to a man who does this,”‘

Could I not be more clear? Granted, English is not his first language, but he responded with, “What’s a blow job?”

Really. “It’s when I put my mouth on your penis and lick and suck you.”

Silence. then, “I’ve never heard of that.”

So of course, I know that this is not the guy for me. You can’t make this stuff up.

 

Are we Both Speaking English? What’s the diff Between ‘Casual’ & ‘Hook-up’?

When I respond to men on dating sites, sometimes it’s difficult to determine what they want and what they don’t want.  Some will state straight away whether they want kids or don’t want kids.  Some say what religion they are (and if they are Christian, I tend to move on), but some, it is hard to tell.

I responded to a guy who seemed honest, smart, and upfront. He was 41, and he did say he wanted kids, and I told him I obviously wasn’t that person, but I found him attractive.  He suggested we might have something casual, and that we meet.

That he was brave and adventurous enough to suggest meeting was a plus, of course, as most men just check out my profile and don’t say anything. So we got together at a Starbucks and had, what I thought was a good conversation. We were on the same page, that we could possibly develop into something like ‘friends with benefits’ until the right person came along for either of us.

Ah, no.  Even though I had texted him that I was not looking for a hookup, our definition of ‘casual’ was quite different.  I told him several times that integrity is important to me, that I write, that I  am not in a sexual relationship with my roommate, and that I don’t need a man to take care of me.  I want good sex with a man I can have a conversation with. Someone who shared some of my interests.  He didn’t say he didn’t want that.  At this point, all I knew was his 1st name, that he was a software engineer, and he lived in a western suburb.   He did ask if I wanted to do this at his place, my place, or a hotel.  The last place I’d choose would be a hotel!

A few hours after I got home, I texted him that since I did not want to fuck a  stranger, I wanted his full name, address, and email address before I arranged an assignation.  I told him that I was active on social media. He knew about this blog.  I told him I would never mention him online unless he did something particularly funny or outrageous.  Well, that didn’t take long. He texted back that he thought I had never done this—that I must be new at this because the whole point was remaining anonymous.   Excuse me?  He had no intention of giving me more information than I had.  So, I’m thinking, ‘how  do I go to your house without an address?’

His idea was that we’d fuck until he found someone he wanted to have a relationship with.  He had just ended a serious relationship.  He didn’t want to get to know me lest HE fall in love.

He wouldn’t tell me how long his last relationship lasted or what caused the breakup—because all he wanted was a hook-up.  Except he wanted to continue to have a hook up until he found someone he wanted to romance.  This would have been ok if I had not told him I didn’t want a hookup.  My idea of friends with benefits; fuck buddy is that we enjoy each other’s company with or without sex, but I’m not  looking to take care of you and you’re not looking to take care of me.  I even told him that I could not imagine marrying again unless I found a man who could keep me in the style to which I would like to become accustomed!  Is that not clear?  We don’t have t live together to be in love. I don’t have to fuck my roommate to make this particular relationship work.

I always have a lot of questions.  He of course said straight out that this would not be monogamous.  I have only been in a monogamous relationship a few times because the men I was with didn’t have it in them to make their lives more complicated, and I knew who wasn’t monogamous. but that’s not the point.    He wouldn’t tell me if he had ever had an STD.  & I never got to ask him if anyone ever told him he was a good lay.

Now, I know some people—-particularly women—will wonder what kind of slut I am.  I’m a slut who feels that every time I enter into a relationship that involves sex, I am putting my health and my life at risk. so it better be worth the bother and risk. If you are a woman and haven’t thought this through you are going to get fucked over:  the sex won’t be worth it, and the man is going to mess with your head.  You will think you’re in love while being treated like crap.  I’m too old to just ‘let things develop’.  If sex isn’t important to you, and you want a man to take care of you, none of this will make sense to you—and good luck.

So he got off with an attitude, and I guess I saved myself the bother

Over 30 years ago, I seduced a virgin. He was not much younger than I was at the time, maybe 23 or 24, I was probably 26 or 27. He was getting his Ph.D. in mass communications (meaning journalism, broadcast media), and he had come to Chicago to take over a job my ex-husband had held as the general secretary/treasurer of ‘a militant labor organization’ (as how we were characterized by the FBI) (btw—I have an FBI file. Pretty funny). If you ever saw Warren Beatty’s movie, “Reds’, about John Reed and his relationship with Louise Bryant, the old people he interviewed were my spiritual/historical ‘ancestors’.

In any case, all my friends knew he had to be a virgin—& how much he looked like my ex-husband. & he did. He was a white northern European with high cheekbones and silky hair. Totally different personality from my ex, however.

It was awkward. He was totally freaked out and had no idea what he was doing. I don’t think he had ever kissed a girl. The first few times, he was shaking. I had to tell him where to put his hands, where to put his tongue, and to get control of his dick. But after a few ‘sessions’ he had the confidence to proceed, and he was fine.

The trouble was…he had nothing to say to me. If I asked him a question, he responded, but when we were together, he was silent and mostly stared at me.

Our friends thought this was funny, and at least my female friends constantly remarked that they’d greet him on the street—and he had nothing to say. I let this go on for 6 months, and then I broke up with him. It was frustrating having him follow me like a dog. I just chose to give up the sex and be alone rather than try to have a conversation with him. The relationship didn’t grow. there were no surprises.

All these guys usually post that they want someone interesting, or someone with many interests.  I keep wondering if that’s really true.

Covid 19 : I Won’t be Fooled Again

Waiting for something interesting….

Yes,  jumped right back on the horse after Dennis Brown (or I should say “Dennis Brown”), and I decided I’d had enough of so many dating sites. Plenty of Fish really does have a lot of scammers, but also, very working-class men. Tumbler, what a joke. They tell you how many miles away a person is….based on….what?  Their area code? Edate seems to be both Jewish Singles and  Mate 1. I’m not sure. Too many old guys who have not aged well. Match seems to generally attract a slightly better-educated type of man, but many seem to be Christians, or way too far out, geographically. I am not going 50 miles to get laid. Not at this point.  No matter.

On a Facebook Feed devoted to ‘Catfishing’, Romance Scams and Frauds, someone mentioned Bumble, because the man lists his profile as available, and it’s up to the woman to make the connection.  Still, many too far, and one, I find I am lusting over but there was some sort of barrier.  In other words, something’s going on, but I couldn’t figure out what it was.

Part of it is Covid, partly he has family stuck with him. Partly is the nature of his job.   I would wonder if he was real, but we Skyped, so I knew he was real. I am shocked at how often I found myself thinking of his smile.

In a fit of lust, we got together, but as I feared, he wanted a hook up.  All the men who aren’t needy want hook ups.

Oh, it was great to feel him.  That I would not deny—and to look at him, too.  A long-legged guy, bearded with a dazzling smile.  I wanted this guy…or…I wanted the potential of this guy, but everything is backwards.  In an ideal world, where everyone isn’t succumbing to an epidemic, we would have gone out for coffee at least once—if not out for dinner. I—essentially—fucked a stranger, and I am too old to be a hook up.  It’s not like he didn’t know what he was doing.  He knew exactly what he was doing, and after we got our clothes off,  we were kissing (and he’s a great kisser), he asked me if I was ready.  I laughed and said, “Is that all the foreplay I get?”

He felt me up and said, “You’re very tight. I brought lube.”  What a guy.  But he also brought condoms, so that impressed me. What flashed through my mind was the Virgin Airlines commercial, where Richard Branson does some girl, and she says, “That was quick!” It wasn’t quite that bad, but almost.

It also reminded me of the movie, “The Big Sick.” It’s how Kumail Nanjani connected with his real-life wife, Emily Gordon. He plays a stand-up set (he’s a comic), she (played by Zoe Kazan) is a hook-up.  They hook up, and he tells her he has to get to work, so she says she’ll call an Uber, and his phone rings. Very funny—the funniest part of t movie about her being in a coma and how he bonds with her parents unbeknownst to her.  But that hook up is the only funny part. The movie is really about how he cares about her as a person, and when she comes out of the coma, feeling aghast that he has gotten so close to her father.

He apologized for having to get back to work, telling me it wouldn’t be crazy much longer,  I told him that I fucked him as an act of good faith. And then, Venus bit him.  She takes no prisoners.

So ….

I need a muse, and I will not be with a man who thinks this encounter was satisfying in any way. I broke up with a guy because it was always about him, never about me or us. It’s just not worth it.

On the one hand, I got to be with a really attractive man, which is important to me, because  I  know I could do a lot worse. I got about 1/3 of what I hoped for. You get what you get.

The problem remains: I know good sex. This was not good sex.