What is He Thinking?


I don’t know if I am going through a hormonal change, a psychological epiphany, or what. Maybe I am just more accepting of myself. An emotional coming to terms. Or is it that I accomplished something I didn’t expect to accomplish.

I am always setting goals for myself. A goal I’ve had for several years with one of my dogs has been to continue to compete and attain performance titles for and with her. If you don’t understand dog training, it’s just too complicated for me to address in this post, and that is not why I am writing. Competing with her, the last several months we’ve had setbacks because she has not qualified at trials. It’s always my fault, but I have developed a fear that I have set the tone for her not qualifying, so I have to reassess.

That is not as interesting to me now as trying to figure out what a male friend is thinking. I can’t describe him as an old boyfriend, because although we had a sexual relationship, and good conversations, it was barely a relationship at all. He made it clear he did not want me as a girlfriend about 30 years ago. He set the terms and I took what I could get. I don’t think I ever really got to know him, as he would not allow it. Nor did he get to know me, because he didn’t want to. There was always a wall. I knew the wall was there. He discounted that it was important…but it was. He was not part of my social circle, and I was not part of his social circle. It was what it was. It faded out when I started living with my current roommate almost 20 years ago.

I realized that I trusted my roommate, whom I barely knew, almost more than I trusted most people. We do not have a sexual or emotional relationship, but we have managed to live together for almost two decades. He’s reliable. I found that I valued that trait more than I valued any other trait in anyone. He could be trusted. Living with him made me realize I had made too many compromises to have a sexual relationship. In a recent book I wrote, which I hope to have published within a year, I address integrity, and also what I would not compromise on just so I could be in a relationship, or have children. No regrets on that front.

Maybe I should give this time and it will sort itself out on its own, but I know from experience that when you allow things to ‘just happen’, there is a lot of miscommunication, and I don’t want to waste time on unrealistic expectations. I will just say…he’s back, and he wants to spend time together, and I’m wondering why. Seriously. Does he just want to be social, or what?

The people I usually hang with are women. Except for my roommate, I don’t hang with any men. The men we knew in our younger days have either married, moved away, or died. Some we cut loose because they were either substance abusers, or weren’t making a living. Now this guy, he had great potential, and he squandered it. He supported family members who made bad choices, he indulged himself, and now he isn’t economically where I am. I am not rich, but I don’t have to worry from day to day.

So, what I want, if we are going to continue seeing each other regularly, is to not be regarded as a mere amusement. Of, if I am going to be regarded that way, that I be amused as well. You don’t want us to be part of each other’s social circle? Fine. What are you offering here?

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